Friday, 27 September 2013

Things I have learned about Rihanna

  1. She can sing in her own voice without holding a microphone to her face
  2. She has the hardest working backup singers ever
  3. She has an incredible body. She is sexy; sensual and sexual
  4. Rihanna has a vagina
  5. She knows where her vagina is. She demonstrates this by pointing to it 800 times
  6. She can walk better in heels- wasted, than I can walk in flats- wasted
  7. Adelaide is a lacklustre crowd
  8. Ok I didn't learn that, I already knew that
  9. But Rihanna can make an Adelaide crowd even lacklust-ier
  10. Rihanna works on a different time scale to her audience. It's about an hour and a half behind
  11. Contrary to popular performance technique, she actually gets better as the night progresses
  12. I assume this is because she begins to sober up
  13. I rather like that song Diamonds. Wait, that was written by Sia. Do you know Sia? Sia is an incredibly talented singer-songwriter from Adelaide who is making it big...I digress
  14. I wasted a pair of contact lenses
  15. Rihanna can tweak better than Miley Cyrus

    And finally...
    Did I mention she has a vagina?

Well, that was embarrassing. Embarrassing all round. Embarrassing for us, embarrassing for her, embarrassing for the mums and dads who brought their kids because it was meant to be an all-ages show, just..embarrassing.

I'm not even mad. I'm impressed.

The Support Act

First of all, let's start with the support act, @WeAreGTA. Two grown men twiddling each others knobs on a Thursday night, trying to get Adelaide to "make some noise".

I didn't have nearly enough drugs for that.

Honestly, how can a DJ set have two people? It was almost homoerotic watching them on stage, moving back and forth, reaching across and around each other. On a Friday or a Saturday night when I'm not at a seated concert with a copious amount of alcohol under my belt - I would have been dancing up a storm. On a Thursday night with a belly full of dumplings and my gentle cider-haze wearing off, it was a bore-fest.

Then came the waiting.

And the waiting.

And the waiting.


To fill the time, the pill-head to the right of me danced. Oh boy, did she dance! She danced so much that the audience reacted and she danced some more. But the skanky girls wanted to be a part of this too! And thus, the dance off began.

Pill-head vs Stripper.

Stripper vs Gaggle of Skanky Night Club girls.

The camera crew caught on and started displaying the dance-offs on the screen. We flicked to a lithe gentleman doing the robot on the other side of the arena. To an old fat man with two beers, twerking. To some more sluts.

This was actually all rather entertaining! For about 15 minutes.

45 minutes later, I was trying to unpeel my eyelids from my eyeballs with boredom.

The "Concert"

When Rihanna finally took the stage, to boos, might I add, all I could do was roll my eyes. I couldn't even muster the energy to clap and utter a bit of a "woo".

After stumbling around for the first few songs and intermittently yelling, "Adelaide, what the fuck!", she began to sober up and attempted singing a few songs.

It finally ended and I got to go home.